The Weight of April 17th: Living With Loss, Regret, and Love

There are certain days in life that become carved into your soul. For me, that day is April 17, 2023 the day I lost my friend. It was sudden, shocking, and left a void so deep that even now, 2 year later, I still find myself reaching for pieces of him in everyday life. I didn’t know that day would change everything. I thought we were just going out to have a good time to laugh, to be free, to make another memory. But instead, it became the last one.

What eats at me more than anything is the regret. I invited him out. I thought I was doing something good. But how do you carry the weight of a decision that you thought was harmless, only to have it become the thing that haunts you? I relive it constantly. What if I hadn’t called? What if I had done something anythingdifferent? Would he still be here?

And then there’s the other kind of pain: the guilt of all the moments I wasn’t there. The times I doubted him, brushed him off, or let life get in the way. I think we all assume we’ll have more time. We assume people know we love them, we assume they’ll bounce back, and we assume we can say things tomorrow. But sometimes, tomorrow never comes.

Since that day, I’ve been walking through life with a quiet ache. Some days it’s a sharp pain that stops me in my tracks. Other days, it’s just a dull emptiness in the background. I catch myself thinking about texting him. I hear something funny and my first thought is, “He’d laugh at this.” And then I remember—I can’t share those moments with him anymore. And that breaks me all over again.

You don’t realize how much someone meant to you until they’re gone. I didn’t know he was such a huge part of my life until he left this world and took a piece of mine with him. The laughter, the support, the energy—his presence was louder than I ever gave it credit for. And now the silence left behind is deafening.

Living with grief isn’t linear. Some days I feel like I can function, and other days I crumble under the weight of “what-ifs” and “should-haves.” I miss him. God, I miss him. I would give anything for one more chance to tell him how much he meant to me, how sorry I am for the times I wasn’t the friend he deserved, and how much I love him.

If there’s anything this loss has taught me, it’s to never hold back your love. Say it. Show it. Be present. Because life is unpredictable, and sometimes you don’t get a second chance.

To my friend wherever you are I hope you know I carry you with me every single day. I hope you felt loved, even when I didn’t say it enough. And I hope you’ve found peace.

I’ll never stop missing you.

And I’ll never stop loving you.

My best friend my brother forever